


too dull of a knife

by hidefromeveryone



Series: Bandom One-Shots [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Phone Call, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 02:24:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7415857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidefromeveryone/pseuds/hidefromeveryone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>jiwshua</i>
  <br/>
  <i>(2:37 am)</i>
  <br/>
  <i>are you awake </i>
</p><p>  <i>TyJo</i><br/><i>(2:38 am)</i><br/><i>Always. Are you okay, Josh?  </i></p><p>Josh's hold on reality began to slip away as he typed five simple words into his next message. His hands were disconnected from the rest of his body, acting calmly and swiftly as they hit the send button, the rest of his being slowly edging back towards unconsciousness as Josh began to regress back into the panic attack that he had never fully left. Everything around him began to blur together, and it seemed as if his very being was leaving his body as it floated upwards towards the ceiling. </p><p>  <i>jiwshua</i><br/><i>(2:41 am)</i><br/><i>i want to hurt myself</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	too dull of a knife

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone. this is my first fic on this site. i hope you enjoy it. please leave any comments, questions, and other thoughts below <3 
> 
> fic title is taken from "bullet" by hollywood undead.
> 
> shoutout to @Spiella for being a wonderful, amazing person.

Joshua William Dun couldn't breathe. 

Every time he tried to inhale, his throat hitched and locked away the oxygen from his lungs. Josh clamped his lips shut and attempted to breathe through his nose instead. The minimal oxygen flow helped to curb his panic by a miniscule amount as his chest started burning, his already blurred vision fading to black in his left eye. His body was shaking so heavily it was as if he was vibrating against the mattress. Curling more tightly into himself, Josh felt a strangled sob escape his mouth. Shoving a tight fist inside it to block any future signs of weakness from escaping, Josh bit down hard enough to leave little ridges along his hand. 

~~~~~

This was not how he had planned the night to go. 

Throughout the late evening, Josh had felt the urge slowly build up. But he was fine. He was getting better. He was recovering. It had been seventeen days since he had done anything. A new personal record. 

However, Josh couldn't feel anything. And if he did, it was just negative emotions such as fear or anger or sadness or panic. His hands shook more often, and his breathing was more uneven. It was June, but he was wearing thick sweaters and heavy socks with joggers for he was perpetually cold. He wasn't eating much and felt dizzy most of the time. Nothing seemed to hold much meaning, and ten hours passed in what seemed like five minutes. His existence was pointless and he was pondering whether he mattered to anyone at all. 

To stave off the thoughts swirling in his head, Josh played his drums until it was almost midnight. For his birthday, Tyler had surprised him with a soundproof chamber in the corner of Josh's room. Josh had been excited, but mainly shocked, giving Tyler a bone-crushing hug that lasted ten minutes. Tyler had run home to grab his ukulele, and then the two spent the rest of June 18 attempting to write a song. Tentatively called "Not Today", the two had parted ways for that night once they were satisfied with their work. 

Josh couldn't have asked for a better seventeenth birthday. 

But now it was one week later, and as he tried to replicate those dismal cords that he had so perfectly mastered with Tyler by his side, Josh kept faltering. It was as if the sticks that he'd had for five years were brand new. A choked sob escaped his lips before he tossed them at the wall, where they cracked and tumbled limply to his feet. Strangled whimpers escaped his lips as Josh picked up the pieces of wood and threw them in the trash, ignoring the splinters they gave him. Those sticks were a part of him, and Josh knew that he was just as broken and deserved to be disposed of as well. 

Flicking off his light, Josh stumbled over to his bed, where he rammed his left shin into the bed post on accident. Hissing, he collapsed onto his blankets. It throbbed, and there was no doubt it would bruise. Josh, knowing no one would see him, let what was left of his walls down as he hugged his knees to his chest, sobbing into them. 

And now, around two hours later, Josh couldn't breathe and was deep into a panic attack. On the cusp of losing consciousness, Josh used what energy he had left to attempt to get out of his bed and across the room to his dresser. 

Approximately ten seconds later, Josh came to with a barely audible groan. Crawling across the floor, Josh attempted to breathe through his mouth instead of his nose. Every other breath was still catching in his throat, causing his chest to burn. It was screaming for more oxygen, a steady supply. Josh could only manage a small drop occasionally, like one would find with a leaky kitchen sink. 

Reaching his dresser, Josh attempted to stand, but his legs collapsed under him, knocking against the wood violently as they shook more heavily than any other part of his body. Except for a small portion of his right eye, Josh was unable to see so he merely stumbled around his shirt drawer until his fingers dusted across a slender metal device. Gripping it tightly, Josh pulled his precious treasure towards his stomach before closing the drawer and journeying back to his bed. 

Three small clicks were emitted as the blade of the box cutter extended out of its casing, the metal a sort of comfort object for the teen. Josh began poking the tip of his left index with the point of the blade, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth and subconsciously ripping small bits of skin off and causing it to bleed. His breathing became slightly more steady, and while the rest of Josh's body still shook his hands were perfectly still.

Pressing the sharp side of the blade against the outer crook of his right wrist, Josh applied a large amount of pressure, the thin sliver of metal sliding into his flesh. It doesn't go in too deeply before Josh abruptly halts the movement, his breath hitching. Tyler flashes across Josh's mind briefly, the look of shock and concern and worry and sadness that had been on his best friend's face three months ago. Tyler had been looking at Josh's new Fall Out Boy bracelets, only to accidentally shift them enough to see the eight harsh lines splattered in dried blood covering the inner side of Josh's right wrist. The night before, Josh had snuck out to the kitchen and tried out each of his parents' sharpest knives to see which one worked the best. 

Josh was supposed to talk to Tyler whenever he wanted to hurt himself. He had ignored Tyler's offer to help these past few months. Josh didn't deserve help, and he didn't want to ever bother Tyler. Whatever his best friend was doing at any time was always more important than him. Still, Tyler said he had wanted to help...

Sloppily exiting his wrist, the blade fell to the mattress and crimson stained Josh's bed sheets. Not fully aware of what he was doing, Josh pulled out his phone, the blood trickling out of the new wound and the pain in his wrist a dully noted feature of his surroundings. 

_jiwshua_  
_(2:37 am)  
are you awake _

_TyJo_  
_(2:38 am)_  
_Always. Are you okay, Josh?_

Josh's hold on reality began to slip away as he typed five simple words into his next message. His hands were disconnected from the rest of his body, acting calmly and swiftly as they hit the send button, the rest of his being slowly edging back towards unconsciousness as Josh began to regress back into the panic attack that he had never fully left. Everything around him began to blur together, and it seemed as if his very being was leaving his body as it floated upwards towards the ceiling. 

_jiwshua_  
_(2:42 am)  
i want to hurt myself_

__

_TyJo_  
_(2:43 am)_  
_Oh, Josh. What's going on? How can I help?_

 _jiwshua_  
_(2:45 am)_  
_everything is too much. i cant calm down. im worthless. i mess everything up. i need it ty. its not that bad. everything hurts. its all my fault. i dont want to exist._

_TyJo_  
_(2:47 am)_  
_Joshie, you are going to be okay. Please don't do anything. You aren't any of that. Can I call you? I want to talk with you to help you._

 _jiwshua_  
_(2:48 am)_  
_i cant talk_

_TyJo_  
_(2:49 am)_  
_Please call me as soon as you can Josh._

Breathing erratic, Josh can't remember where he is or why his body is shaking. Without the buzz of his phone showcasing a new message from Tyler, time means nothing and his hands lose their independent meaning. A dull part of his mind is registering that something is poking him between two of his ribs, but that thought is lost under a wave of darkness. Fumbling minutes later, Josh feels an object with a sharp edge. It brings part of him back to the present as he begins to tap his left index finger against the sharp tip once more. A part of his brain tells him that something is buzzing as his eyes try to focus on a bright screen. 

_TyJo_  
_(2:54 am)_  
_Josh? Is everything okay? Please call me. I need to hear your voice._

 _TyJo_  
_(2:55 am)_  
_If you can't call still, please answer one of these texts._

 _TyJo_  
_(2:56 am)_  
_Josh, please say something. I need to know you're okay._

 _TyJo_  
_(3:00 am)_  
_Please don't die, Joshie. You're my best friend. I need you._

Clumsy fingers try to press the shape that some distant part of Josh's mind tells him looks like a phone. Tyler's blurry face lights up the screen as some of Josh's tears fall onto the glass. Attempting to rest the phone against his right ear, Josh's disconnected thought ends up slamming the phone against his cheek as his limb attacks his face. Curled up on his left side, Josh resembles a ball, and he has a killer grip on the blade that is now a part of his left hand. A distinct part of his brain is letting him know thats he's holding his breath, building a fire in his lungs that is shaking and destroying the rest of him slowly. 

_jiwshua calling TyJo (3:02 am)_

Josh hears a distant noise of someone screaming something unintelligible. Willing himself to focus so as not to be rude, he realizes there's a voice coming out of his phone. He doesn't recognize it. Frowning, his skull throbs as the person continues their monologue. 

"-so worried. Josh, are you okay? Please talk to me. Please tell me you haven't done anything. Oh, god. Please be okay. Josh? Josh? Josh? Joshi-" 

Dry throat, Josh wrenches open his lips and leans into his pillow as he lets out a small wheeze, lungs constricting. Parchment makes up his mouth and his saliva is the ink. A shadow of a word leaves his throat, barely audible, muffled and stifled by the weight of secrets and of recalling your best friend's voice.

"Ty?"

And then Josh remembers why Tyler is on the phone as his mind seems to partially slip back into his body, reminding him of the shallowness of his breaths, the shaking that won't stop, his hold on the tool that saves him and destroys him in one simple whisper of a kiss across his skin. 

So Josh's sniffles turn into welled eyes which turn into single tears on his cheeks which turn into a river dividing his face which turn into a bay clouding his surroundings which turn into sobs that rack his body to its very core. 

"Oh, Josh, I'm so glad you...Oh no. You're crying. What can I do to help? Oh, god. I'm so sorry, Josh. I would come over but your parents...Josh what do you want me to do? You're going to be okay, Josh. You're amazing and wonderful and fantastic and full of nothing but amazing things. You are worth more than the universe, you red-haired, punk rock, drums-playing, funny boy who just so happens to be my best friend. I don't know what I could do without you. Should I distract you? Do you want to talk about how you're feeling? What can I do to help Josh?"

"Distract." 

"Okay, so, I'm in my car right now with a bag of Taco Bell next to me. Because like every rational human being I like to leave my house at the witching hour so I can be possessed while I stand in line for cheap, fake Mexican food while the worker sleeps at the counter. I had one of my balls with me to practice dribbling while I was in line because apparently I'm not the only one who craves Taco Bell at a time when I should be asleep. Anyway, the dude behind me nabbed my ball when I got distracted to grab my food and I chased him to the 7/11 on the corner so I grabbed some Red Bulls. I'm gonna buy a new ball while I eat my food when I get home. Do you know how long I've wanted a burrito? Three whole hours, man. Pure agony...Okay, I'm home. Hold on a sec, I gotta climb through my window...Okay, I'm on my bed with my food. So, I didn't know what you would think, but I really want to try out the piano soon. I feel like I got the ukelele pretty mastered, you know? I found this keyboard in my closet this afternoon and I've only messed around a bit with it, but I'm really excited, you know?...Sorry, I had to grab my laptop. I've pretty much inhaled half of this food already. Have I told you how much I love Red Bull? I have here today sir to inform you about our lord and savior the Red Bull. In times of trouble they are always there for you. Aw, sick! Josh! There's a basketball with a floral design all over it. Its black and has all these little flowers. And its only twenty bucks! It'll be here in two days, I just ordered it. Pretty neat, huh? Hmm, I'm done eating...I'm sorry, I don't know if this is helping at all. How are you doing? Do you still want to hurt yourself? Would me singing to you help?"

Rolling onto his back, Josh felt a small whimper escape his lips that he hoped Tyler couldn't hear. Although Tyler's nervous rambling had eased him out of the worst of his panic attack, Josh still felt his breaths catch a few times a minute. Trembling legs tangled in his duvet, Josh subconsciously extended the blade until it was fully free of its casing. 

Vision mostly clear except for the occasional welling of tears in his eyes, Josh stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that he had put on the ceiling the previous summer. They illuminated the darkness surrounding him, just as Tyler did when he was right by Josh's side. The two best friends would do absolutely anything to help the other be okay. Because of this, Josh knew that he couldn't show Tyler every single irreversibly broken part of himself. It would be too much for the chocolate-eyed teen to handle, and Tyler would run himself into the ground trying to save Josh. But Josh didn't deserve to be saved. His flame-red locks seemed to reach Josh's throat as his words crackled, trembled, pleaded, burned forth from his lips. 

"Please sing." 

" _I don't know why, I just feel I'm better off, staying in the same room I was born in. I look outside, and see a whole world better off,  
without me in it trying to transform it. _

_You are out of my mind. You aren't seeing my side. You waste all this time trying to get to me.  
But you are out of my mind._

_Listen, I know this one's a contradiction because of how happy it sounds. But the lyrics are so down. It's ok though, because it represents, wait better yet, it is, who I feel I am right now._

_You are out of my mind. You aren't seeing my side. You waste all this time trying to get to me.  
But you are out of my mind. _

_Heard you say, "not today." Tore the curtains down, windows open now, make a sound. Heard your voice, "there's no choice." Tore the curtains down, windows open now, make a noise._

_Don't you test me though. Just because I play the piano, doesn't mean I am not willing to take you down. I'm sorry."_

_I'm out of my mind. I'm not seeing things right. I waste all this time trying to run from you. But I'm out of my mind._

_Heard you say, "not today." Tore the curtains down, windows open now, make a sound. Heard your voi-_

Josh? Is something wrong? Are you okay? Please talk to me."

Reality seeps into Josh's bones like a poison. Slow enough that it allows him time to process the sight in front of him, but fast enough to send him into shock. He doesn't breathe, move, blink, gasp. Fully aware of his being, senses, mind, and surroundings, Josh's eyes reflect the scene in front of him as well as the horror he feels. 

Metal fully sunk into the tissues of his upper right thigh, Josh's hand is frozen, caught in the act. Slowly and with deliberate care, he pulls the blade upwards, wincing soundlessly as blood begins radiply trailing in all directions. No peach flesh can be found, but simply thick crimson pools, splotches, rivers, lines. Pain both present and dull, Josh dully notes that more wounds than just his most recent one are still bleeding. Pulling off his shirt, Josh wraps both hands around the fabric on top of his thigh with heavy pressure, dropping the phone face-up onto his mattress. Within two minutes, Josh feels no new crimson liquid leaking up between his fingers, so he gingerly lifts the fabric off his limb. 

Twenty-one wounds adorn his upper thigh, grim in the moonlight streaming through the window. The veil of the galaxy does nothing to lighten the brevity of the situation as Josh click-click-clicks the blade back into its casing until it is concealed from the world. Sharp edges hidden away, so as not to hurt others, the blade flings itself under Josh's pillow while the flame-haired boy picks up the phone. Locking away the truth, Josh denies himself of all emotion as the words climb out of his throat and into the cradled object. 

"Josh? Oh, god. Josie? Are you oka-"

"Sorry. Blanked out."

"Oh no. Are you okay? What's going on, Josh? Are you alright? I'm so sorry if my singing made things worse."

"You're perfect, Tyler. Don't worry. I'm fine. Singing helped." 

"Really?! Oh my god, yes! Are you sure you're fine? Do you still want to hurt yourself?" 

"No. Tired." 

"Alright, Joshie. Get some good sleep! I'll talk to you tomorr-well, I guess its already tomorrow. So just really soon, okay? Stay safe. Night!" 

"Night. Thanks, Ty." 

"I'll always be here for you, Dun." 

"Me too, Joseph."

_TyJo ending call with jiwshua (4:30 am)_

Darkness seeps into the corners of Josh's eyes as he cocoons himself with the navy blue duvet. Sleep strangles him as Josh go limp within it, accepting his new fate of a dreamless sleep. Unconsciousness settles over him like a sedative, and it is only when Josh is sleeping that he looks peaceful. 

_~~~~~_

Angry buzzing saws through Josh's cheek as he blinks his eyes lazily. Attempting to stretch, the teen quickly found that his bones had been replaced with steel overnight, and the very thought of moving seemed impossible. Hoping that sheer force of will would be enough, Josh flopped onto his back with a sickening _squelch_. A cursoy search with his hand revealed his wounds to be the culprit of the noise. With a heavy sigh, Josh pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes tight enough to create stars in his mind. 

Joshua William Dun would not be getting out of bed today. 

A quick search revealed the murder weapon and with a click-click-click the blade reflected the early morning sun into Josh's eyes, the stained blood on the metal the same color as the red present in the sunrise. In his right hand, he grabbed the buzzing object and strained his eyes to make out the characters present on the bright white screen. 

___TyJo_  
_(10:39 am)_  
_How are you doing Josh?_

___TyJo_  
_(10:41 am)_  
_Are you okay? What are you feeling right now?_

___TyJo_  
_(10:45 am)_  
_Wakey, wakey, eggs, and bakey Sleeping Beauty._

___TyJo_  
_(10:55 am)_  
_There once was a boy with hair the color of fire who slept in too long._

___TyJo_  
_(10:58 am)_  
_WAKE UP_

___TyJo_  
_(11:00 am)_  
_If you don't answer in the next five minutes I'm breaking into your house._

___jiwshua_  
_(11:04 am)_  
_hi ty_

___TyJo_  
_(11:05 am)_  
_JOSHIE. HOW ARE YOU?_

___jiwshua_  
_(11:06 am)_  
_fine_

___TyJo_  
_(11:08 am)_  
_Did you hurt yourself last night?_

___jiwshua_  
_(11:09 am)_  
_no_

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was closely inspired by my own personal experience with a night like josh went through. some changes were made with details to have it flow better for the story's sake.
> 
> stay safe. stay alive. tell someone. get help. 
> 
> i cannot stress enough how amazing you all are. the sun will rise again and you are worth more than you could ever know. 
> 
> -sarah <3 
> 
> (if you need a friend to talk to or just want someone to chat with, you can find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone) 
> 
> (the next part of this series will be more tyler-centric)


End file.
